i’ve been worrying, that my time is a little unclear.-Ben Howard, The Fear
as i journey farther into the education program here at CMU i have more and more doubts that i’m going into the right field. i’m torn between knowing i can relate to kids and knowing that i don’t do well with set scheduling. i know when i’m a teacher i will get summer vacations, but i want to be able to go where ever i want whenever i want. i know, i know, some of you may be thinking, “Emily, grow up. Everyone has to get a big girl job eventually.”
but here’s the thing…i’m not sure if i want to. more and more often i see people doing what they love, but not having any extra money for something else. some people call them broke; i call them lucky. on the other hand, i see more and more people who are miserable because they “need” to get an A on this test so they can get into this program so they can get a good job so they can make a bunch of money so they can send their kids to a decent college to get the same level of education they received, and that does not sound pleasant to me. i’m torn between a nomadic lifestyle, seeing the world, traveling to every corner on the round earth, before setting down and staying in one location for a long term “job”.
i know that teaching is right for me. i know i can get in a classroom full of little, tiny people and not only teach them, but learn from them. i know that i can do that and i would love to, however, i would also love to just hang out back stage with bands, volunteer in other countries, or just hang out on the beach. i mean, let’s be honest, who wouldn’t love that?
i’m in this cycle of not knowing where it is i’m heading. i found out the other day that i can student teach in various different countries, which is incredible and i’ve been saying i want to do that for a while now. but here’s the catch, i can only do that when i’m student teaching regular education; for special education i have to stay within 60 miles of this small headed town called Mount Pleasant. to me, that’s unfair. Michigan has some of the best special education programs and certifications, so why would we limit our future teachers to 60 miles within CMU? do we want to hoard all the teachers we create to form another generation of CMU raised and graduated teachers? why not spread the special education wealth?
see, i’m just a little unclear in what’s going to happen next. student teaching often leads to, well, teaching…but i don’t know if that’s what i want to do yet. granted, i do have another year of cohort classes and then a semester of special education student teaching and a semester of regular education student teaching, so i’ll be here a while and have a decent amount of time to make up my mind.
i wish i could just hang out with kids as a job. forget the IEPs, lesson plans, classroom management plans, and schedules. i just want to be surrounded by four year olds who know way more about life than i do: they are blank slates with endless ideas. there’s a quote by a man named George Scialabba that i stumbled upon the other day. here it is:
perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun.
that brings me to an idea that, for so long, people go to school, sit in classes with uncomfortable chairs, stare at computer screens or book pages, and try to learn to become intelligent. they’re so focused on becoming intelligent that they loose something every person is born with: imagination. imagination has recently become a problem for me because all i want to do is imagine things. i imagine myself in a hot climate, not shivering cold every time i walk outside or lower my pants to use the toilet. i imagine myself not stuck in this town do to classes, work, and make money. i imagine no money; just fair trade across the board. i imagine so much that i get stuck on creating something that’s not here and maybe never will be.
it’s so unclear to me where i am going. but it’s very clear to me that i am going there at a pace way slower than i would wish.