someone should make a handbook solving all of the awkward, everyday questions that people have.

to start, what am i supposed to do when i wake up first at a sleep over. now, this answer would be easy if we were sleeping at my own house. i could get up, make some food, watch some tv, and depending on who’s over i could just leave the house and they would wake up and leave as they please. but, what about when i’m at a friends house who i just started hanging out with and there are a few other people sleeping there as well? do i just lay there until i hear someone else rustling around in the covers? if so, what if they’re doing the same and they’re waiting for me to make a move? what then? then we just lay there awkwardly for hours waiting for the other person to wake up first. my classic move is to go to the bathroom, close the door loudly in hopes of waking someone up from their slumber, hope the door isn’t sound proof so the flush of the toilet can enter their ears, and also turn up the water while washing my hands as high as it goes. but sometimes this doesn’t work. so, do i just lay back down? act like i’m going back to sleep? or what if i am wide awake and just can’t lay there for any longer but feel awkward and bad about waking someone up who is so peacefully sleeping? it’s not an easy question to solve.

another example: that awkward side step, step to the other side, shuffle that happens when you run into someone walking the opposite direction. my friend says that “we’re in the USA. we drive on the right side of the road, we walk on the right side of the sidewalk and hallway, and if you encounter someone you pass them on your right.” which i can totally understand but not everyone knows these rules. not everyone thinks about taking one step to the right when passing people. and what about that awkward group of five people walking in a line that you want to pass? do you say excuse me and walk through them, or do you politely walk around like they weren’t in your way in the first place? ahhh so many possibilities.

or how about when someone repeats something four times but you still have no idea what they said. at that point is it appropriate to just nod your head and smile, or should you ask them one more time what it is they said. and if you do happen to ask them for one more time, at what point is it inappropriate to keep asking for them to repeat it? also, this can occur just once and be more awkward than asking someone what they muttered ten times. for example:

person one: hey what are you doing tomorrow?
person two: what?
person one: ugh. never mind.

because even though the music might have been too loud and person two might really want to hang out with person one, person one now might think that person two is ignoring them in order to not hang out with them. this is especially awkward when person two finally does catch onto what person one asked.

this might be my favorite example of awkwardness that needs to be fixed: standing there while your friend talks to someone you don’t know. regardless of whether or not you have been introduced to them, you still don’t know what to do after the initially handshake and, “hi..” i guess you can always pull out your phone and act like you’re popular by responding to texts you never even received, you could also stand there with a big cheesy smile on your face so onlookers might mistake you for being a third person in this two person conversation. however, there has to be a better way. getting involved in the conversation is an option, but what about when your friend and their buddy have no intentions of talking about anything you know anything about? then what? awkwaaaard.

now for more examples:

you finish a test first. now, if you’re like me, you always feel like something is wrong if you finish a good ten minutes before anyone else. naturally, you then look over all the pages of the test (usually not even double checking anything) just to make it look like you’re still busy. but this somewhat awkward situation does not have to be awkward at all. this handbook could say things like, “you finished first! you clearly know everything more than anyone else!” or “yay! you finished first and now you can run around outside for the rest of the day!” this would, instead of making you feel like you should have struggled more, give you the courage to walk up and be the first person to hand that test into your instructor.

another situation that could be de-awkwardized (yes, i made that word up) is tripping. we’ve all done it. we’ve all had that moment where the sidewalk reaches up and grabs your ankle forcing one foot to delay it’s step just long enough to make you stutter step across the sidewalk. we’ve all had imaginary ropes trip us so badly that we almost fall on our face. this handbook could give examples of dance steps you could trip into, making you look like a badass dancer instead of the clumsy walker that you are. it could also tell you witty comebacks for people that laugh at your expense. i would give you examples, but i’m not witty…hence me needing this handbook.


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