She’s A Bad Day

I think of her on the bad days
The grey days that seem to fog my body with self hatred
The days these fingers don’t feel worthy of hands-
No hands to hold onto
The days there’s no home to hide in

I think of her on the bad days
The days rain clouds my eyelids with lonely defeat
The days my feet seem to hit the ground heavy-
Heavy hearts are hard to pump clean
The days when my hopes seem too distant to reach

I think of her on the bad nights
The charcoaled-soul nights that sing through me when I attempt sleep
The nights my lungs struggle to breathe-
Breathing deeply does not dissolve misery
The nights there’s no company to keep

I think of her on the bad nights
The quiet nights that allow my thoughts to run in circles of past pathetic emotions
The nights my head tells my heart to stop feeling so much and my heart tells me head to stop thinking so much-I think too much and, my heart, it feels too much
The nights where future me is still lonely

I no longer think of her on the good days
The bright days that fly by with a smile
The days I am company enough to keep myself happy
I keep telling myself these good days are “me”
Even though she used to be my happiness
She is now my worst days and somber nights
She is no longer
Good for me

Mean Substitution

“Are you a mean substitute?”
He asks.
I say,
“Kid,
It depends on who ya ask.

I’ve told I bask in my own rays too often-
Glow too brightly on my own.
I shine light on the darkness they think no one can see.
They call me mean.

I’m not mean spirited but I’ll let ya have it if you cross me.
My spiteful silence will fill your hollowness with non-existence.
My existence is hard to ignore so people cut me out,
Blow me off,
Bail,
But I’m the one who didn’t show I cared.

I’ve had enough of this selfish selfless game.
I’ve put myself in other people and they’ve walked away with my pieces,
Kid,
Can you see all my cracks I’ve gotten from people taking the parts of themselves they’ve given me back?
Can you see I lack the wholeness it takes to really love someone else in this place?

It all depends on how you view me.
Do you see my loose flowing boundaries as impossibilities?
I’ve been told my expectations fall too top heavy,
Don’t view me as big headed.
I’ve got a lot of ideas just like you and I mostly always tell the truth.

I am not a mean substitute.

So you cannot be mean to me, now please, go take your seat.”

Roam With You

My blood is creativity.
I am rivers of visions shining through glass stained expression.
My spine is a bound journal.
The mountains in my chest are stitched crooked,
But I’ve been glued well enough to stay somewhat put together.
I am only ever somewhat put together.
My pages turn faster than I-80 traveling wheels.
Western holes flash flood my bones.
I have a charcoaled core from believing in only one type of love.
Show me your free flowing curiosity.
Show me insightfully with inspiration and I might grow brighter.
Let’s be sunbeams
And sunset lakes.
The land is there for exploring
And with you,
I’d love to go roaming.

You see, Kid

While working in the preschool, I developed a poem titled Why-Kid that you can find here. I had found that little kids ask a lot of questions, which does not bother me, but one question in particular was always harder to answer than others: why?

After working for over 30 weeks in a preschool setting, I moved to a first grade classroom. This jump in age brought for more complex questions, but that tiny three letter word never went away. Curiosity was always there. Here’s another Kid poem.  Same idea, more grown up concepts.

You see, Kid.

The same exact breath can make a fire glow or blow it out
You see, Kid
Not everything makes sense
And sometimes people will try to blow you out
But you are candle with a self-lighting wick
It might not make sense
And yeah,
Sometimes Ys sound like Es and words are not spelled how they sound
But since you were small you were taught to sound it out like music notes flowed through your ear canals and out of your mouth with grace as a teacher got in your face and said,
“Learn this!
I Promise you’ll use it.”
And you lose it when photograph starts with a PH because you know “PHOTOGRAPH” starts with “fff” and F makes that sound
But Kid,
Welcome to the English language
Sometimes letters lie
Like all those times you claimed to be asleep at night when you snuck a light under your sheets and learned that I comes after E but only after C
Or maybe it was I comes before E but only after C…
You see, Kid
Sometimes things don’t make sense
Like how the same breath can make birthday wishes or produce clouds of smoke
Things smoke when they are hot and things smoke when they are cold
It does not always make sense
There’s a lot of things people will warn you about
Like bears
And tornados
And looking both ways before you cross the street
Sure, those things can be harmful
But Kid,
Remember there’s always another perspective and if someone hasn’t show you it
Then go search for it yourself
You were born a Why-Kid
So keep asking questions
Like why is blue a cool color when it’s the hottest part of the flame?
Why can’t you touch something that can float so delicately?
There are people cutting fire across their wrists in order to understand any of this
But Kid,
Sometimes things just don’t make sense
People don’t always live up to their words
But at least you will know how to spell them
Because you know there are three different ways to spell the sound -er
IR for the times I and Running and Running and Running and need to stop
-errrrrrr
UR for the times U R asking so many questions I need to slow down and think
-errr…
ER for the times people wanted to go too fast for their wheels
Yeah,
They should have slowed down
But Kid,
Don’t ever slow down the rate curiosity caresses your desire to know more
You were born a Why-Kid
So keep asking questions
Like why the same breath can be held under water but lost in altitude
Do things that make you hold your breath so you can remember how nice it feels to breath
Deep
Blow out your birthday candles and don’t forget that
Wish
Remember
You are still lit
Even though you know they lied about the tooth fairy
And Santa
And the Easter Bunny too
And you’re not mad
You just want to know why they didn’t tell the truth
Sometimes people will let you down and that’s the truth
Don’t fear your relaxed nature when people tell you
“You have to have a plan”
Some people have a plan for everything
But you should know by now,
Everything does not always make sense
And it’s better to know that than to spell photograph with an F just because it makes more sense
You were not made to sit in contentment
So ask your questions, Kid
Nothing
Should always
Make sense
Inhale a breath so cool it ignites your inner blue
Because, Kid
I’ve got high, high hopes for you

It’s not Thanksgiving but..

It’s not Thanksgiving but here is what I am thankful for:

1. Quiet mornings
2. Children making jokes that aren’t funny. But they laugh really hard anyway.
3. When my cat chases it’s own tail.
4. Growing up in a house that embraced “teaching” moments, rather than arguments.
5. Mountains.
6. The ability to connect to people online.
7. Egg sandwiches.
8. The knowledge I have found through Central Michigan University, friends, family, and experiences.
9. Warm nights with bonfires.
10. Traveling anywhere, but especially abroad.
11. Poetry.
12. The tin full of cookies my Grandma sent me.
13. Tents.
14. Coffee mugs.
15. Unexpected naps.
16. Netflix
17. Kitten cuddles.
18. Baby cuddles.
19. Having a house that keeps me warm.
20. For saying, “I don’t have room in the fridge for this food right now.”
21. Beer.
22. Hashbrowns.
23. NOT country potatoes.
24. Having a car.
25. My bed.
26. Meeting people who like to craft.
27. Good smelling things like cologne, lavender, pizza, candles, and Spring.
28. Phone calls with my mom and dad.
29. My traveling friend, Hannah, who always seems to get it.
30. My dreadlocks.
31. Cultural awareness.
32. Late nights without having to set an alarm in the morning.
33. Chairs from Goodwill.
34. Antique stores.
35. People who love to share their story.

Maybe

Facebook is great for many things: scrolling through pictures of vacations, meeting people, staying in touch, stalking ex’s, showing support, gathering news, etc. I have found one thing (along with many others) Facebook is not good at. The one characteristic that irks me the most is the “Maybe” option on events. Sure, I’ve wanted to attend an event but it was months away, almost a two hour drive, and my financial status wasn’t really booming, so I clicked maybe. But that was a big event. At a bar. With multiple bands. And clearly, in that case, one person isn’t going to make a whole lot of a difference when it comes to attendance.

On the other hand, if it’s a birthday party with only a hand or two full of people, Facebook should call for some more commitment from the attendees. But, I guess, what can I expect from a website that allows for “it’s complicated” to be under the relationship category (talk about lack of commitment).

Now, lets go back to the First Grade. Mom and Dad were super excited about you turning 7 and you couldn’t wait to have a cake and balloons and all your friends and PRESENTS!!!!!! Look beyond that 7 year old excitement, and Mom and Dad were sending out birthday cards so you could have your special day. The cards probably had some crazy fun border, probably with pink ribbons and princess crowns if you were a girl and some sort of cars or dinosaurs if you were a boy. Did these cards say,
“Suzy is having a birthday party!
August 21st at 7pm!
Ravin’ Roller Rink!
RSVP:
yes    maybe    no”?

No, of course those cute little cards with the confetti on them did not give the parents a “maybe” option. The kid was either coming or he wasn’t and that was that.

I’m not saying that I am overflowing with commitment by any means. Most nights I can’t decide if I want to fall asleep face down on my bed with my work clothes still on, or go to a bar. And if I do decide to go out, I can’t figure out where I want to go or who I want to go with. Clearly, I’m not the most motivated person in the world, but I do know that when it is my small event, I’d like to know who I can expect there.

Maybe for most people, it wouldn’t bother them, but I truly feel like a “host” when people come over. I’d like to make sure I have some clean blankets and maybe an extra pillow or two laying around. I’d like to go out and buy some frozen pizzas or make sure there’s some Gatorade in the fridge. I like to know what to prepare for.

When there’s 11 people “maybe” attending, there’s a lot of room for the party to go from chill to crazy. And the “maybe” option Facebook allows really agitates me.

But only when I’m not the one clicking “maybe.”